Why do couples find it difficult to communicate at one point in the relationship?
I recently observed a couple sitting together at lunch in a nice restaurant in the city of love Paris, but not talking with each other either or having just a basic talk.
They would look around and search for others to start a conversation, rather than enjoying their togetherness. You have been together for many years, had exciting times full of passion, sparkles, and laughter.
Suddenly the sparkles shine less bright, you go into a relationship of routines, and passion is replaced with a monotony? It sure does not need to happen to all, but it happens to many couples and when it does you don‘t know what to do?
You feel embarrassed to talk about it with your partner or your friends because it looks like a failure or you talk about it makes it real. There are many reasons why partnership communication might struggle.
Reasons why partnership communication might struggle
The root of the reasons could vary from lack of love, attention, or intimacy to an event, which occurred and changed the relationship dynamics such as a job or a parent loss, a trauma, or a partner being unfaithful. You need to identify these roots, before starting work on the communication problem, which is only the tip of the iceberg.
Here is a short questionnaire guide on how to approach the roots:
- Do I still love my partner and to what extend?
- Do I want to continue being with my partner and why? If the reason is love, fight for her/him. If the answer is outside of the field of love such as insecure to be alone or guilt feelings, then you might have other bigger challenges to solve and bigger questions to ask besides the communication topic.
- Do I give 100% to my partner or how did this change over the years?
- Do I receive 100% from my partner or how did this change over the years?
- Did I start to avoid communicating with my partner because of… (think of a reason, which may come from the top of your head)
- Did my partner start to avoid communicating with me because of… (think of reasons, which may come from the top of your head )?
- What is it that blocks me/my partner/us to communicate the way we did when we first met?
- How often do we communicate per day?
- What is the content of our communication? Do we talk about everyday topics only or do we also verbally connect about emotional or philosophical topics?
- How often do we make love? The lack of intimacy can affect communication and the other way around.
Once you went through the questionnaire and drafted your answers, you will have more clarity about the reasons, which affect the quality of your relationship communication.
Bringing all these pieces together, seeing them on a one-pager, could hurt or make you cry, but at the same time, it could be a relief and an eye-opener. Take your time to digest what you discovered and prepare for an honest, emotional, and open conversation with your partner.
At first, you might be hesitant to start it, but when you do, it will flow and give you the answers. Be gentle, kind, and loving with your partner, when approaching this sensitive for both topics.
She/he might be initially overwhelmed, defensive, or even shocked when you approach the topic, but if you are relevant for your partner and there is still love, working on improving your communication will quickly become a common mission.